Monday, July 21, 2008

Jason Taylor: Addition by Subtraction, My Ass

I try to avoid knee-jerk reactions, but Miami Herald "sportswriter" Armando Salguero's moronic comments about yesterday's newest Dolphin fiasco needs to be hit and hit hard. And now.

Here's how the big A sets the tone for his column-length brain spasm: "The Dolphins rid themselves of their biggest offseason headache and what promised to be training camp's most uncomfortable drama."

No jerk with a keyboard has business using the word "rid" when talking about a player of Jason Taylor's personal caliber. The way I see it, this guy kicked total ass for our team during its crappiest years since it was still in training pants. He has never flipped off his fans, or (I believe) the other teams'. He has been great to the South Florida community as well. We aren't talking Terrell Owens or Chad Johnson here. Next, what DOES constitute an "offseason headache" to this yutz? NOT the hangover of going 1-15? NOT having to draft another QB way high just in case the one we drafted way high last year isn't good enough after all? NOT the rest of our roster? No, the biggest headache for Salguero is that our best player was on a TV show in the offseason, and our cranky-but-legendary new GM got his bloomers in a twist about it. Big. Freakin'. Deal.

Here's another nugget of sportswriting brilliance from the Herald's Dolphin pundit extraordinaire:

"So the Dolphins are diminished on the field. But think of it as addition by subtraction, because Sunday's trade also eased Miami of all that baggage Taylor recently was carrying."

Nurse! Scalpel, STAT! First, the humble sportswriter tells (doesn't ask) us how to think of "it." Could he realize, through his own drool, that we might think differently without his genius to direct us? Second, if there were ever a LESS appropriate occasion to trot out the dread "addition by subtraction" cliche, this is it. Third, WHAT BAGGAGE are we really talking about?

Yeah, I'm gonna pick at the second and third incisions to make they bleed as much as they deserve to. WHAT does Miami "add" by losing Jason Taylor? Is it too soon to note that we are apparently retaining and praising RICKY WILLIAMS for what--showing up to mini-camp? All he did was quit on us a few times because the man loves weed more than football. But losing one of our all-time greats, great even when most of his 44 teammates aspired to mediocrity, is a plus to this jackass (Armando, not Ricky)? Does the big A recall Miami's record last year? Or that Eli Manning and David Tyree (!) are the only reason Miami is still alone in the (Perfect) record book? That the last few years have been a nightmare from which true Dolfans have yet to awaken? What is gained by yanking away the only security blankets left to us in the long, cold night? (Yep, blankets. Don't think I forgot that the powers-that-be cast out bro-in-law Zack Thomas.) I thought the Dolphin helmet was already the universal NFL symbol for "rock bottom" circa 2006-2008. Apparently Armando S. is not done digging yet.

NEXT! Exactly what godawful "distraction" would Jason Taylor's continued employ by the Dolphins cause? Fans could be distracted by Taylor's name while scanning the roster for a name they actually recognize, but probably not. Could other players be distracted by JT's proximity? "Duh, sorry coach, but I missed my assignment because that guy from Dancing With the Stars was in my line of sight." Uh, no. How about the coaches? "How can we lead our men into battle while the GM is in a tiff with one of the players?" Imagine how they'd freak if we ever found ourselves in, say, overtime, or trailing, or if a player is unexpectedly injured (thank God these are only hypotheticals)? How about Parcells himself? "Sorry, ladies and gents of the press, I'd love to bare my fangs at you and be pissy and nasty to you like I was with all my other teams, but this Taylor thing--wait, I SWORE to myself this morning I wouldn't cry--OH GOD SOMEONE GET ME A TISSUE..." It's like looking into a crystal ball, isn't it? An atom bomb wouldn't keep Bill Parcells from telling anyone in sight to shove it up their ass.

Now. To the bright tomorrow Armando foresees now that Miami's "rid" of JT: "The petty stuff like trade rumors will defer to more important theater like a quarterback competition. We will be rightfully absorbed by the twin returns of Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams. We will be scrutinizing whether rookie Jake Long is worth the paycheck that makes him the NFL's highest-paid offensive lineman. We will be measuring the progress of Ted Ginn Jr. from Year One to Year Two..."

If you are as stupid as Armando hopes you are, you will buy that with Jason Taylor on the roster, all that...(Hold it. Did he really write "important theater"? And I almost let that slip by unmocked?...would go completely unnoticed. The Herald would have no room for all that......theater...because of JT's hateful "distraction". How are Ronnie and Ricky recovering? Can't tell ya; only got room for news about Jason. The Herald and all South Florida media outlets would be forced into 24/7 Jason Taylor coverage. Marlin and Heat fans would no doubt be turned away newsless as well. WTF??!!

This isn't a guy who retired in March only to unretire and (allegedly) scheme to play for our enemies in July. This isn't a guy who pre-announced his retirement during the regular season to aggravate all concerned through the rest of the year. This isn't even a training camp holdout! What the hell did Jason Taylor do to inspire the disrespectful scrawling of that ungrateful hack writer? Dance on a TV show? Would it have been better if he was caught in a hot tub with a buncha babes? What is going on here?

Maybe Salguero felt putting this kind of "spin" on this ultimate debacle would ensure his schnozz a regular home up Bill Parcells' Fruit of the Looms for the foreseeable future. Me, I'd welcome the "distraction" of Pro Bowl players who conduct themselves with class and grace on and off the field (and in some cases, the dance floor). I am really struggling for ways to love my team when it 1) sucks AND 2) dumps its best players like trash. When it was one of those at a time, it was a lot easier. Hey, Miami Herald: "think" how you can achieve some "addition by subtraction" in your very own sports bureau...

1 comment:

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