Saturday, September 8, 2007

2007 Predictions (Football Edition*)

NFL Sunday is tomorrow. Is everyone as excited as I am?

OK. So this is my last day to predict (guess at) how the Dolphins will do, before they start doing it (or start having it done to them).

I am incapable of just saying, 8-8, or 10-6, or 1-15 and leaving it at that. Oh no, I have to be meticulous about it. Game by game meticulous.

9/9 at WASH: I think the Skins will be bad. New QB vs. our (very) old QB. We win 28-17, go Trent. 1-0!

9/16 DALL: I have a good feeling about this one. Home crowd that I can't afford to be a part of, Parcells-abandoned 'boys, we win a close one 24-23. 2-0, but don't get too excited b/c...

9/23 at NYJ: Ken O'Brien and Freeman McNeil come out of retirement for this one game, get 400 and 150 yards, respectively. Annual arrrgravaton for me, 21-30 loss. 2-1.

9/30 OAK: Daunte's revenge? We'd deserve it, but it won't happen. They are awful. He says now. 31-14. 3-1.

10/7 at HOU: the early part of our schedule is sweet, yes? 20-10 yawner, 4-1.

10/14 at CLEV: This one's for you Jim. We realize we can't be 5-1 even though we're playing another suck team like yours. And it rains, too. 13-17 zzz...4-2.

10/21 NE: oh, please. They'll kill us. Welcome home, Wes Welker...oh, GOD, we missed you...17-38. 4-3.

10/28 NYG in LONDON: Oi, wet n' cold over 'ere, innit? Don't order any kind of "pudding" there, boys...and don't look for veggies 'cos they don't have any. Culture shock favors the G-Men. 19-24. 4-4.

11/11 BUFF-a-LOWWW: We needed that bye week. And a very beatable opponent like our old nemesis. 31-10 romp, Back in Black at 5-4.

(how wrong am I so far? Is this haunting me circa December or what?)

11/18 at PHIL: they're good. we're not so much. 22-35 (we got a late 2-pt. conversion is why). 5-5.

11/26 at PITT: we wilt under the MNF spotlight. 24-27. Game highlight is a drunken Charles "Chuck" Jablonski of Harrisburg, PA, running onto the field only to be clocked by Zach Thomas. Sadly, this riles up the fans, and Jaws, against us. 5-6.

12/2 NYJ: Because I want to beat them so badly...they win. 27 to our 21. 5-7.

12/9 @BUFF: Because they want to beat us so badly, BUT have Marshawn Lynch instead of Thomas Jones, they can't. We're 6-7, no idea what the score was.

12/16 BALT: I realized that if I got all the other scores right, I'd regret not putting in a random guess at last week's score. So we won 24-10. Why am I not talking about BALT? Because they are more boring than watching paint dry. McNair misses this game due to injury. We win 17-10, all points due to defensive scores. Yes, including the field goals. back to .500, 7-7.

12/23 at NE: Unless they've already clinched and are only playing reserves, we lose again to a really good team. Many graphics compare our free-agent pickups and commentators make snide remarks about Hakim, Campbell, and Schlesinger. Which is ironic b/c the Schles will be a sideline reporter during the game, run up to the booth, and beat the crap out of the commentators. Anyway, 19-32. 7-8.

12/30 CIN: Happy belated Hanukkah, Miami. Cincinnati continues to screw up in late-season games. Our 35-24 win fills us with hope for Cameron's second season. 8-8. We finish second in the division because our division also has the Bills and Jets. Who both end up 0-16 despite the Jets having beaten us twice, and splitting their series with each other. DAT'S WHY DEY PLAY DA GAMES!

AFC EAST: 1. NE; 2. MIA; 3. NYJ; 4. BUFF.

AFC NORTH: (still Central to me) 1. BALT; 2. PITT; 3. CIN; distant 4. CLEV.

AFC SOUTH: 1. IND; 2. JAX; 3. TENN; 4. HOU.

AFC WEST: 1. SD; 2. DEN; 3. KC; 4. OAK (getting better though)

AFC Championship: Brady over Manning in a game in which the two quarterbacks are the only players ever mentioned by game announcers...

NFC EAST: 1. PHIL; 2. DALL; 3. NYG; 4. WASH.

NFC NORTH: I can't stop the double spacing. Why is this? anyway, it's LIONS then Bears then Packers then Vikes (WRs, please apply). Oh. And while Favre again starts every damn game, he only makes 5 TD passes. Dan Marino's record remains intact YESSSS!, though there is much speculation (color me shocked) that Brett "may" return for 2008...

NFC SOUTH: NO then TB then CAR then ATL. Best wishes to Joey Harrington and Chris Redman, so that the evil taint of coach- and canine-killer Vick can be minimized ASAP. But since when do I get what I wish for?

NFC WEST: god this blog is taking forever...yes, to write. What, it's not sheer pleasure to read? Where was I? Where am I? Oh of course. Sitting on my tuchas as usual. STL over SEA over AZ over SF in a very tough division.

NFC Championship: Philadelphia over N'awlins.

Super Bowl XLII: Philadelphia 34, New England 30.

BTW, I also predict that I'm going to be wrong. I'm always wrong. This blog was Rob's stupid idea anyway. And is brought to you by the Tinsley Sports Network. (?)

*Not to imply that I'm making any other kind of predictions for 2007.

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